Ever been fasting in a meditative state and felt yerself disappearing? Laying in the grass under the sun, I’ve felt the touch of Death, the infinite in all things, and I began to fade away, while in clear sight, from the world . I don’t ever want to feel that way again, because it awakened me to one thing: I don’t have enough love in my life . And I don’t mean romance, sex, or anything that specific . I mean, the love in all things, sleeping and waiting . The smile of the neighbor, the patience of the DMV attendant, the compassion of another driver on the road, a hug and a kiss from yer grandmother, the purr when stroking the ears of a cat, and the unconditional love of a friend: being yer mirror and confidante . The love you need in every direction to feel enclosed .

I called my mother and started crying, just telling her how much I missed her and how much I loved her, how much I needed her to settle down and come home . I spent my birthday and the remainder of my days with my wonderful Tribe sunbathing, hiking, enjoying Indian Food, eating three meals a day, and cuddling under the stars . Yes, cuddling .

Definitely returning to my roots as far as my affective life . I’m even more straight-forward about verbalizing my feelings and I’ve let myself be a lot more physically affectionate as well . Reminding myself that I’m a Moonchild, a Libra; and my inner scales cannot be tipped into fanaticism for answers, otherwise I run the risk of locking myself in my head and disappearing . But this breakdown has also been a gift, because I see love in an entirely new light . I see it everywhere, sleeping, like a treasure waiting to be opened with gentleness and celebration .

Lounging under the stars with soft music, minimal emotional disturbances, and loads of verbal and physical affection have healed my old wounds and I’m ready to tackle the world with a new kind of surrender . Understanding that vibrating toward this fresh new sensation of love is my life’s path, beyond thought and beyond dogma . The love I hunger for is here, in the form of you, in the form of myself, in every passersby, in every tree and every bird; and I’m laying my hands on it . Last night, my tribe drove me to Seabright Beach after dark to listen to the ocean, play music, sing, dance, mingle, and celebrate . Very intense confessions of love were expressed amongst us, and I can see that the hunger I feel is the same hunger within everyone and everything, within the asleep and awake . I understand that the sooner I wake the love up around me, the closer I will be to stability . So my journey begins again, awakening hearts and stirring minds, but not for the sake of my ego, but for something much bigger, something too expansive to our minds to grasp, but something every heart sings for, dying every moment, until another heart sings back .